You Just Want to Hurt Me, And Leave Me Desperate

Currently Listening: My Heroine (Acoustic) - Silverstein
ohay!
lots to tell, lots to telll....
so tyler set me up with his friend dave. i feel like i already mentioned that. lets just say he wasn't what i expected. i was expecting so annoying jerk who was just as big headed as tyler who i was going to hate. lets just say i was far from right. he's probably the biggest sweetheart in the world, he always knows what to say to me, he's cute, smart, gets along with my friends, mad athletic. i can pretty much tell him anything. did i mention i'm falling for him? yeah, this is weird. i haven't felt this way about anyone since chris....fuckshit. i'm still not over him. oh yeah! i kinda lied to dave about some things. and i feel horrible, but yeah. you'd understand if you knew why. i'll list them..
#1: i'm over chris.
#2: i didn't give chris my heart.
#3: if chris came to his senses, i wouldn't go running back into his arms.
clearly i'm full of shit. but anyway, tyler was right. he is chris. like it's bad. but it's...good? idk, i still feel like chris never left me sometimes. sure, he dropped me on my ass when i needed him most. maybe that's why i haven't gotten over him. i loved him, as much as i denied it. it really hit me hard. i never missed him that much before. i guess i finally realized i can't try to be strong forever. because being strong in this situation was just me being in denial. so i'll admit it. you broke my heart. you ripped it out of my chest, stomped on, rode your bike over it, and shot it straight to tyler like a hockey puck. all right in front of my friends. but that's what they're there for. to help me pick up the pieces and move on. i never cried over a guy like i cried over you. hell, i don't think i've cried over anyone like that. what made you so special? what made you leave such a huge impact on me? i fucking hate you for that. we weren't even together very long. why did it hurt so bad? like i'm sorry, but you ruined me. i miss you. i hate you. i love you. get the fuck out of my head. and sometimes i feel like nobody understands. i always talk to kristina about it, she seems to always know what to say. she's been there, she gets it. yet i still get that feeling like i don't have a best friend. because people have said it, but do they mean it? i know i shouldn't be dwelling on this, but it sucks. oh, and by the way: YOU BROKE MY HEART.

"Your face arrives again, all hope I had becomes surreal. But under your covers more torture than pleasure. And just past your lips there's more anger than laughter. Not now or forever will I ever change you. I know that to go on, I'll break you, my habit."
-Silverstein

Dedication Takes a Lifetime, But Dreams Only Last for a Night

Currently Listening: Past Praying For - VersaEmerge

OHAIII. So alot has happened since I last wrote here. umm lets see...I had another boyfriend. That lasted all of 4 days? Let me just say, awkward child. I wasn't really into him at all, so I ended it. We're still friends though. You almost sat next to me today, but you stopped yourself. I miss you. So fucking much. You'll never understand. And if you're over me like they say you are, I guess I need to get over you too. It's hard. I didn't like you until you started to like me, so why am I ending up so hurt in the end? Fuck everyone. And yeah, I guess you kinda fucked me ever getting a hockey player ever again. At least one who plays for the Royals, because you're a "family". Not that you'd care, considering I mean shit to you. Asshole. Who are you now?
So Tyler's trying to hook me up with his friend. Where would I be without this guy in my life? Probably depressed, and insane. Numbing the pain from this summer would've needed more drastic measures if it hadn't been for him.
So yeah, I'm hooking Jacki up with Tyler. We'll see where this goes. We're going for eachother's type of guy. We are such fails. LOL (-:. HAAAA. OH YEAH! Jacki's living at my house this weeekend! WOOO planning our fantasy partiess? Yes. BrokeNCYDE Sunday?! OHH YESHHH! WOO this calls for a sick weekend muthafuckersss (;

"She lives in a fairy tale, somewhere too far for us to find. Forgotten the taste and smell of the world that she's left behind. It's all about the exposure the lens I told her, the angels were all wrong now. She's ripping wings off of butterflies. Keep your feet on the ground, when your head's in the clouds. Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole, To bury the castle."
-Paramore

There's No Real Love In You.

Currently Listening: Automatic - Tokio Hotel <3>

We've all got a best friend, right? Think of them right now. They're pretty incredible, aren't they? Of course they are. Otherwise you wouldn't call them your best friend. You love them a lot, don't you? Of course you do. Otherwise you wouldn't call them your best friend. They mean a lot to you, don't they? Of course they do. Otherwise you wouldn't call them your best friend. Now imagine that person being torn from the world without warning. You blink, and they're gone. You're not very happy imagining a world without your best friend, are you? Of course you're not. Otherwise you wouldn't call them your best friend.

Apparently I don't happen to fit any of these stereotypes right about now. And it really bothers me. I mean, come on, everyone in the world wants to have that best friend by their side to be their lifeline. I wish I could say someone said that about me. I've kinda realized lately that nobody considers me their best friend. When my name is mentioned, nobody says "Oh she's my best friend." Yeah, I know I'm considered one of your best friends, but I'm nobody's true best friend. I've read what Stephanie has wrote, and she talks about her two best friends, aka Kristina and Lauren. And we all know Sean and Kristen have each other. But then there's...me. Yeah, I'm never really mentioned under the best friend category. And it hurts. Is it bad that I just started crying a little? Yeah, i have no idea why. I mean, this isn't a huge tragedy. It's just something that's been bugging me. Sometimes I feel like they don't really want me around. Well not all of them, but sometimes I feel like Kristina doesn't like me. I mean, I think we're really good friends, right? I can pretty much tell her everything. Same with Stephanie. And Lauren. And Sean. And Kristen. I love them all. They're my best friends. But where is the one best friend that's always by my side? It kinda sucks. Like, I don't even know. I'm happy, for the most part. I still miss you. And your stupid hair. You fucking douchebag. Anywho, before I get too sidetracked, I miss having someone call me their best friend. I hate this feeling of being the odd girl out.

Okay, I guess I'm done ranting. Goodnight.



"You're automatic and your heart's like an engine, I die with every beat. You're automatic and your voice is electric, why do I still believe? It's automatic everywhere in your letter, a lie that makes me bleed. It's automatic when you say things get better, but they never...There's no realy love in you, why do I keep loving you?"
-Tokio Hotel

And His Heart of Stone Left Her's Breaking

Currently Listening: Say Goodnight - Bullet For My Valentine
Yanno, I really hate you, you stupid douche.
...Alright, obviously I'm still not over you. Awesome.
But I am sick of this stupid game we have going on. We don't speak, yet you sit super close to me and stare. And you make it obvious to. Like, you clearly still think about me. And I'm not jumping to conclusions where I think you wanna get back together. But obviously you're thinking. I talked to Kristina about it the other night. She said "He's probably wondering what you're thinking, just like you. Either that, or you make him horny." LMAO LOVE HER! But like, I really wish you'd talk to me. Don't leave me hanging like you did for so long. I can't wait forever. It really bothers me that I have a bunch of other guys after me, including your friends (!), yet I still want you. I compare every guy to you, and I feel like if I don't get over you soon, no guy will ever measure up. I hate that I do that. Even my best friends see us getting back together. It almost scares me though. If we don't wind up getting back together, and continue this stupid game, will I feel like I failed? Like it was my fault we broke up? I know I should'nt feel that way, but when I saw him with that other girl, I kept thinking, "What does she have that I don't?" I guess confidence is key in that situation, because even Steph said, "She's fat and ugly. Don't compare her to you because she will never measure up." Only a true best friend, who never talks shit about people's looks, would come up with that remark. Anywho, I need the strength to get over you. I really need to, because if I move on, and you're stuck in the past because you couldn't manage to speak to me, then it's your fucking loss. (:
Well that felt good! Alright, so school started, I'm a sophomore, and I'm gonna fail chem! Woo.

kbye!


"Even though she doesn't believe in love, he's determined to call her bluff. Who could deny these butterflies?" -All Time Low

& The Silence Will Set Her Free

Hello blogworld! Long time, no speak.
I guess I should start from where I last left off. That whole Chris situation is over and done with. We broke up, and I learned what a true douchebag he really was. Even his best friends warned me about the fact that he was a complete tool. But whatever, I have no regrets, I've learned from my mistakes. We spoke a day after my last post, and that's when we decided to take a break. We didn't speak for another month and a half. Sad, right? Well anywho, we ran into each other about 2 weeks ago...and he was with another girl. Looks like I had a lying, cheating jerk on my hands. He had apparently been talking to her for a while, even while we were together. But I wasn't hurt to see them together. I guess I could say the emotion that surged through my body was rage. Beyond anger, rage.
On another note, I'm super confused. I like 2 different guys. 1 is a close friend of douchebag's. The other is a guy I'm close with. I honestly don't know what to do. i don't know if I actually like both of them, either. On top of that, I'm starting to miss Chris. His arms around me, the way he kissed me, and the sound of his voice. Maybe I just miss feeling loved, who knows? On a better note, I haven't been this happy in a while. I honestly don't know why, but I just feel free. Like I have amazing friends, and we always know how to have a good time.
Today was pretty amazing. I woke up super early after like no sleep and went to ralph's. We were supposed to go on his boat, but his gma was sick. So Steph, Laur and I went back to my house. We put on SoLows and big hoodies, and turned my room into an igloo. Like legit, it was only 70 degrees out, but we had the air conditioner on at about 60 degrees. We made pasta and walked to Cedar, and took pictures in the park. It was super fun. Like I haven't laughed this much in a while. The pictures are the greatest. I can honestly say I love mah best friendsss (=
Gurwin tomorrow!


Hey i never would have thought that when you left me i'd feel sexy and so good in my skin again. And i never would have known that i'd be dreaming so much better without you in my head.....I look so good without you, Got me a new hair due. Lookin' fresh and brand new since you said that we were through, done with your lies. Baby now my tears dry.
-Jessie James

Yeah, You Just Bleed to Know You're Alive

^^^i took this picture, jussssayin' (=
it's been two weeks. two fucking weeks. but i honestly can't decide if my friends are right. they always tell me "he's an arrogant douchebag, dump his ass." but i can't. i love him. i really do. no matter where i am, what i'm doing, my m ind is racing with questions. am i ever going to hear from him? does he still feel the same? does he even think about me? i mean, i know he's super busy all the time, but he could at least give me a signal that he's alive. not even "hey babe, i cant really talk but i just wanted you to know i love you." thats all i need. all i fucking need. but he doesnt have the ten seconds in the day to do that. whatever, thursday will be two months for me and him. if i dont hear from him by then, i might just cry. literally.
i think it's kinda funny that one of his best friends has become the one supportive person i have. he knows i'm upset, and he always talks to me, even though i nag the living shit outta him. he's officially my rock in this situation. but really, did you have to sign off on him the second he asked why the hell you haven't talked to me? ever thought of the fact that maybe you have a girlfriend that tends to worry? heh, apparently not.
i went to the beach with steph and dan tonight. i really wish we could work out like them. yeah, i'll admit, they have their issues, but they're always happy together in the end. so while they sat all lovey in the sand, i just stood with my feet in the water, staring out into the water. it really gave me a chance to drift. but i'm such a scatterbrain, that my thoughts were: "i wonder if he still thinks the same about me...hey that's longshore drift! we learned about that in earth science, in eighth grade. does he still love me? i mean he told me he didn't want to break up...i really hope that seaweed isn't a crab, HEY PRETTY SUNSET!" but anywho, i was with two friends who are constantly looking out for me, and that made me super happy (=
so tell me, do you still think about me at all? i know you're busy, but what i was told you did tonight made me think you don't wanna talk to me. i mean really, if you don't wanna talk to me, have the balls to tell me. don't avoid me for two weeks. but hey, maybe you aren't avoiding me. you have no reason to. i mean, you're my boyfriend after all. and we said we didn't want to break up. but i'm not sitting around worrying, im out living my life...i just happen to worry while im living. but i can't help it.

okay. i'm done. goodnighttt<3istillloveyou.





its been too long, and im trying to stay strong as you push me closer to the edge. only the sound of your voice, the touch of your hand can save me from falling over this ledge. i wait and wait, but not a sign, that tells me i'll be just fine. just a glimmer of hope, even in the smallest size, can save me from this bitter demise

I'm happy. I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm worried. I'm sad. I'm excited. I'm hurt. I'm in love. I'm crazy. I'm worried. I'm missing you. I'm terrified. I'm indifferent. I'm anxious. I'm nervous. I want you. I'm thoughtless. I'm speechless. I'm hyper. I'm sick. I'm sorry. I'm angry. I'm surprised. I'm optimistic. I'm disappointed. I'm proud. I'm longing. I'm content. I'm relieved. I'm frustrated. I'm irritated. I'm jealous. I'm alert. I'm hopeful. I'm independent. I'm confused. I'm uneasy. I'm passive. I'm panicky. I'm afraid. I'm jittery. I'm bitter. I need you. I'm yearning. I'm nostalgic. I'm furious. I'm manic. I'm bursting. I'm spastic. I'm shaken. I'm serious. I'm simmering. I'm secure. I'm frantic. I'm enthusiastic. I'm aggravated. I'm blah. I'm calm. I'm stressed. I'm chill. I miss you. I want you. I love you.


inside i hope you know i'm dying, with my heart beside me.
in shattered pieces that may never be replaced.
and if i died right now, you'd never be the same.