You Just Want to Hurt Me, And Leave Me Desperate

Currently Listening: My Heroine (Acoustic) - Silverstein
ohay!
lots to tell, lots to telll....
so tyler set me up with his friend dave. i feel like i already mentioned that. lets just say he wasn't what i expected. i was expecting so annoying jerk who was just as big headed as tyler who i was going to hate. lets just say i was far from right. he's probably the biggest sweetheart in the world, he always knows what to say to me, he's cute, smart, gets along with my friends, mad athletic. i can pretty much tell him anything. did i mention i'm falling for him? yeah, this is weird. i haven't felt this way about anyone since chris....fuckshit. i'm still not over him. oh yeah! i kinda lied to dave about some things. and i feel horrible, but yeah. you'd understand if you knew why. i'll list them..
#1: i'm over chris.
#2: i didn't give chris my heart.
#3: if chris came to his senses, i wouldn't go running back into his arms.
clearly i'm full of shit. but anyway, tyler was right. he is chris. like it's bad. but it's...good? idk, i still feel like chris never left me sometimes. sure, he dropped me on my ass when i needed him most. maybe that's why i haven't gotten over him. i loved him, as much as i denied it. it really hit me hard. i never missed him that much before. i guess i finally realized i can't try to be strong forever. because being strong in this situation was just me being in denial. so i'll admit it. you broke my heart. you ripped it out of my chest, stomped on, rode your bike over it, and shot it straight to tyler like a hockey puck. all right in front of my friends. but that's what they're there for. to help me pick up the pieces and move on. i never cried over a guy like i cried over you. hell, i don't think i've cried over anyone like that. what made you so special? what made you leave such a huge impact on me? i fucking hate you for that. we weren't even together very long. why did it hurt so bad? like i'm sorry, but you ruined me. i miss you. i hate you. i love you. get the fuck out of my head. and sometimes i feel like nobody understands. i always talk to kristina about it, she seems to always know what to say. she's been there, she gets it. yet i still get that feeling like i don't have a best friend. because people have said it, but do they mean it? i know i shouldn't be dwelling on this, but it sucks. oh, and by the way: YOU BROKE MY HEART.

"Your face arrives again, all hope I had becomes surreal. But under your covers more torture than pleasure. And just past your lips there's more anger than laughter. Not now or forever will I ever change you. I know that to go on, I'll break you, my habit."
-Silverstein

Dedication Takes a Lifetime, But Dreams Only Last for a Night

Currently Listening: Past Praying For - VersaEmerge

OHAIII. So alot has happened since I last wrote here. umm lets see...I had another boyfriend. That lasted all of 4 days? Let me just say, awkward child. I wasn't really into him at all, so I ended it. We're still friends though. You almost sat next to me today, but you stopped yourself. I miss you. So fucking much. You'll never understand. And if you're over me like they say you are, I guess I need to get over you too. It's hard. I didn't like you until you started to like me, so why am I ending up so hurt in the end? Fuck everyone. And yeah, I guess you kinda fucked me ever getting a hockey player ever again. At least one who plays for the Royals, because you're a "family". Not that you'd care, considering I mean shit to you. Asshole. Who are you now?
So Tyler's trying to hook me up with his friend. Where would I be without this guy in my life? Probably depressed, and insane. Numbing the pain from this summer would've needed more drastic measures if it hadn't been for him.
So yeah, I'm hooking Jacki up with Tyler. We'll see where this goes. We're going for eachother's type of guy. We are such fails. LOL (-:. HAAAA. OH YEAH! Jacki's living at my house this weeekend! WOOO planning our fantasy partiess? Yes. BrokeNCYDE Sunday?! OHH YESHHH! WOO this calls for a sick weekend muthafuckersss (;

"She lives in a fairy tale, somewhere too far for us to find. Forgotten the taste and smell of the world that she's left behind. It's all about the exposure the lens I told her, the angels were all wrong now. She's ripping wings off of butterflies. Keep your feet on the ground, when your head's in the clouds. Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole, To bury the castle."
-Paramore

There's No Real Love In You.

Currently Listening: Automatic - Tokio Hotel <3>

We've all got a best friend, right? Think of them right now. They're pretty incredible, aren't they? Of course they are. Otherwise you wouldn't call them your best friend. You love them a lot, don't you? Of course you do. Otherwise you wouldn't call them your best friend. They mean a lot to you, don't they? Of course they do. Otherwise you wouldn't call them your best friend. Now imagine that person being torn from the world without warning. You blink, and they're gone. You're not very happy imagining a world without your best friend, are you? Of course you're not. Otherwise you wouldn't call them your best friend.

Apparently I don't happen to fit any of these stereotypes right about now. And it really bothers me. I mean, come on, everyone in the world wants to have that best friend by their side to be their lifeline. I wish I could say someone said that about me. I've kinda realized lately that nobody considers me their best friend. When my name is mentioned, nobody says "Oh she's my best friend." Yeah, I know I'm considered one of your best friends, but I'm nobody's true best friend. I've read what Stephanie has wrote, and she talks about her two best friends, aka Kristina and Lauren. And we all know Sean and Kristen have each other. But then there's...me. Yeah, I'm never really mentioned under the best friend category. And it hurts. Is it bad that I just started crying a little? Yeah, i have no idea why. I mean, this isn't a huge tragedy. It's just something that's been bugging me. Sometimes I feel like they don't really want me around. Well not all of them, but sometimes I feel like Kristina doesn't like me. I mean, I think we're really good friends, right? I can pretty much tell her everything. Same with Stephanie. And Lauren. And Sean. And Kristen. I love them all. They're my best friends. But where is the one best friend that's always by my side? It kinda sucks. Like, I don't even know. I'm happy, for the most part. I still miss you. And your stupid hair. You fucking douchebag. Anywho, before I get too sidetracked, I miss having someone call me their best friend. I hate this feeling of being the odd girl out.

Okay, I guess I'm done ranting. Goodnight.



"You're automatic and your heart's like an engine, I die with every beat. You're automatic and your voice is electric, why do I still believe? It's automatic everywhere in your letter, a lie that makes me bleed. It's automatic when you say things get better, but they never...There's no realy love in you, why do I keep loving you?"
-Tokio Hotel

And His Heart of Stone Left Her's Breaking

Currently Listening: Say Goodnight - Bullet For My Valentine
Yanno, I really hate you, you stupid douche.
...Alright, obviously I'm still not over you. Awesome.
But I am sick of this stupid game we have going on. We don't speak, yet you sit super close to me and stare. And you make it obvious to. Like, you clearly still think about me. And I'm not jumping to conclusions where I think you wanna get back together. But obviously you're thinking. I talked to Kristina about it the other night. She said "He's probably wondering what you're thinking, just like you. Either that, or you make him horny." LMAO LOVE HER! But like, I really wish you'd talk to me. Don't leave me hanging like you did for so long. I can't wait forever. It really bothers me that I have a bunch of other guys after me, including your friends (!), yet I still want you. I compare every guy to you, and I feel like if I don't get over you soon, no guy will ever measure up. I hate that I do that. Even my best friends see us getting back together. It almost scares me though. If we don't wind up getting back together, and continue this stupid game, will I feel like I failed? Like it was my fault we broke up? I know I should'nt feel that way, but when I saw him with that other girl, I kept thinking, "What does she have that I don't?" I guess confidence is key in that situation, because even Steph said, "She's fat and ugly. Don't compare her to you because she will never measure up." Only a true best friend, who never talks shit about people's looks, would come up with that remark. Anywho, I need the strength to get over you. I really need to, because if I move on, and you're stuck in the past because you couldn't manage to speak to me, then it's your fucking loss. (:
Well that felt good! Alright, so school started, I'm a sophomore, and I'm gonna fail chem! Woo.

kbye!


"Even though she doesn't believe in love, he's determined to call her bluff. Who could deny these butterflies?" -All Time Low

& The Silence Will Set Her Free

Hello blogworld! Long time, no speak.
I guess I should start from where I last left off. That whole Chris situation is over and done with. We broke up, and I learned what a true douchebag he really was. Even his best friends warned me about the fact that he was a complete tool. But whatever, I have no regrets, I've learned from my mistakes. We spoke a day after my last post, and that's when we decided to take a break. We didn't speak for another month and a half. Sad, right? Well anywho, we ran into each other about 2 weeks ago...and he was with another girl. Looks like I had a lying, cheating jerk on my hands. He had apparently been talking to her for a while, even while we were together. But I wasn't hurt to see them together. I guess I could say the emotion that surged through my body was rage. Beyond anger, rage.
On another note, I'm super confused. I like 2 different guys. 1 is a close friend of douchebag's. The other is a guy I'm close with. I honestly don't know what to do. i don't know if I actually like both of them, either. On top of that, I'm starting to miss Chris. His arms around me, the way he kissed me, and the sound of his voice. Maybe I just miss feeling loved, who knows? On a better note, I haven't been this happy in a while. I honestly don't know why, but I just feel free. Like I have amazing friends, and we always know how to have a good time.
Today was pretty amazing. I woke up super early after like no sleep and went to ralph's. We were supposed to go on his boat, but his gma was sick. So Steph, Laur and I went back to my house. We put on SoLows and big hoodies, and turned my room into an igloo. Like legit, it was only 70 degrees out, but we had the air conditioner on at about 60 degrees. We made pasta and walked to Cedar, and took pictures in the park. It was super fun. Like I haven't laughed this much in a while. The pictures are the greatest. I can honestly say I love mah best friendsss (=
Gurwin tomorrow!


Hey i never would have thought that when you left me i'd feel sexy and so good in my skin again. And i never would have known that i'd be dreaming so much better without you in my head.....I look so good without you, Got me a new hair due. Lookin' fresh and brand new since you said that we were through, done with your lies. Baby now my tears dry.
-Jessie James

Yeah, You Just Bleed to Know You're Alive

^^^i took this picture, jussssayin' (=
it's been two weeks. two fucking weeks. but i honestly can't decide if my friends are right. they always tell me "he's an arrogant douchebag, dump his ass." but i can't. i love him. i really do. no matter where i am, what i'm doing, my m ind is racing with questions. am i ever going to hear from him? does he still feel the same? does he even think about me? i mean, i know he's super busy all the time, but he could at least give me a signal that he's alive. not even "hey babe, i cant really talk but i just wanted you to know i love you." thats all i need. all i fucking need. but he doesnt have the ten seconds in the day to do that. whatever, thursday will be two months for me and him. if i dont hear from him by then, i might just cry. literally.
i think it's kinda funny that one of his best friends has become the one supportive person i have. he knows i'm upset, and he always talks to me, even though i nag the living shit outta him. he's officially my rock in this situation. but really, did you have to sign off on him the second he asked why the hell you haven't talked to me? ever thought of the fact that maybe you have a girlfriend that tends to worry? heh, apparently not.
i went to the beach with steph and dan tonight. i really wish we could work out like them. yeah, i'll admit, they have their issues, but they're always happy together in the end. so while they sat all lovey in the sand, i just stood with my feet in the water, staring out into the water. it really gave me a chance to drift. but i'm such a scatterbrain, that my thoughts were: "i wonder if he still thinks the same about me...hey that's longshore drift! we learned about that in earth science, in eighth grade. does he still love me? i mean he told me he didn't want to break up...i really hope that seaweed isn't a crab, HEY PRETTY SUNSET!" but anywho, i was with two friends who are constantly looking out for me, and that made me super happy (=
so tell me, do you still think about me at all? i know you're busy, but what i was told you did tonight made me think you don't wanna talk to me. i mean really, if you don't wanna talk to me, have the balls to tell me. don't avoid me for two weeks. but hey, maybe you aren't avoiding me. you have no reason to. i mean, you're my boyfriend after all. and we said we didn't want to break up. but i'm not sitting around worrying, im out living my life...i just happen to worry while im living. but i can't help it.

okay. i'm done. goodnighttt<3istillloveyou.





its been too long, and im trying to stay strong as you push me closer to the edge. only the sound of your voice, the touch of your hand can save me from falling over this ledge. i wait and wait, but not a sign, that tells me i'll be just fine. just a glimmer of hope, even in the smallest size, can save me from this bitter demise

I'm happy. I'm scared. I'm tired. I'm worried. I'm sad. I'm excited. I'm hurt. I'm in love. I'm crazy. I'm worried. I'm missing you. I'm terrified. I'm indifferent. I'm anxious. I'm nervous. I want you. I'm thoughtless. I'm speechless. I'm hyper. I'm sick. I'm sorry. I'm angry. I'm surprised. I'm optimistic. I'm disappointed. I'm proud. I'm longing. I'm content. I'm relieved. I'm frustrated. I'm irritated. I'm jealous. I'm alert. I'm hopeful. I'm independent. I'm confused. I'm uneasy. I'm passive. I'm panicky. I'm afraid. I'm jittery. I'm bitter. I need you. I'm yearning. I'm nostalgic. I'm furious. I'm manic. I'm bursting. I'm spastic. I'm shaken. I'm serious. I'm simmering. I'm secure. I'm frantic. I'm enthusiastic. I'm aggravated. I'm blah. I'm calm. I'm stressed. I'm chill. I miss you. I want you. I love you.


inside i hope you know i'm dying, with my heart beside me.
in shattered pieces that may never be replaced.
and if i died right now, you'd never be the same.

So I'm gonna say I had the best weekend I've had in a long time. Friday I got my hair done and then went to Kristen's. Everyone was there, even Chris. We had a pretty awesome time. Although, I also found out that night that I'm allergic to mosquitoes. Woo. Saturday was pretty chill. My entire family randomly showed up, and then Steph, Lauren, Kristen, and Sean came over. We chilled up in my room, and then decided to take a walk in the dark. Somehow, we wound up at our school playing tag barefoot on the turf field. Steph went up in the bleachers, and every so often, we'd get hit with the flashlight beam and get chased. It was beyond fun. It made me realize how much I missed it being just us. We layed out on the turf in the dark for a little bit, just laughing at the things we came up with. But me, being hyperactive child, had to get up and run circles around everyone because I couldn't sit still. We got home after about an hour, and video chatted with Chris (= I love talking to him. He always makes me smile. After they left, I just kinda chilled for a bit. Then Sunday, I wound up going to Chris' house. It was probably one of the highlights of the weekend. We just chilled...and stuff. It was cute when we were laying on the couch watching movies and he fell asleep with his arms around me. I could honestly stay like that forever. It really made me realize how much I love him. Why do Mondays have to ruin everything? I'm super stressed for no reason. I can't even deal. I needa be with Chris and be like we were yesterday, but yeah, that can't exactly happen right now. So I'm gonna blast music and study for bio, and hope it helps. I really really hope tomorrow is much better. kbye!iloveyou<3




emotive unstable. your like an unwinding cable car. listening for voices, buts its the choices that make us who we are. go your own way. even season have change. just burn those new leaves over. so self-absorbed, you've seem to ignore, the prayers that have already come about.
-Anberlin

Why Yes, I am Graceful *SLAP*

So yesterday was one of the best days I've had in a while. I woke up around noon, and not that much later, I was being picked up by Stephanie to go to her house. We decided it would be fun to wash the cars, and we were so right!
*slaps rag onto car*
"GRACEFUL"
"Well I was a gymnast."
"keyword: WAS"
I think one of the funniest parts was actually attempting to roll the hose up. Put it this way, we had to sit on the box and it looked like we were rowing a boat. It was hilarious. Then Lauren came over, and we laid on the front lawn and did our math homework (honestly, I have no idea how we did it in the grass with the bugs.) When her mother and sister went to drive Tee Tee home, we decided to walk to target to buy candy and Slaps. Put it this way, I drank my Slaps in school today, and I danced to my classes with bug eyes singing the song One Love, laughing uncontrollably. It was great. Other than that, today was pretty blahhhh. Anywho, I'm gonna go back to talking to Christopher, who is staring at me as I do this. Do you now understand why I love him? (= kbye!iloveyousomuch<3






I don’t care if you don’t mind, I’ll be there not far behind, I will dare keep in mind, I’ll be there for you.Where there’s truth, You know I’ll be there, Amongst the lies, You know I’ll be there, I’ll go anywhere, So I’ll see you there....
-Green Day

You're Nobody's Fool.

I won't lie, today was pretty awesome. I slept until about noon, and when I got up, I was home alone. And that made my day start pretty awesome. When I started to get ready, Chris called me. He's in Philly for a hockey tournament, and I miss him like crazy, so it was amazing to hear his voice. He makes me smile. I went to Kristen's casa, which was also awesome, since I feel like we never hang out anymore. We just chilled by the pool and talked and swam. It was pretty chill. But it made me miss how everyone used to be. No drama, no tension, no nothing. Everyone was chill with eachother. It's really horrible when people can't say something that they think about you to your face. I mean really, if you're supposed to be my best friend, tell me what you're thinking. I won't eat you if you tell me something bad about me. But until you tell me to my face, I honestly couldn't give a shit. So go ahead, go around saying that your best friends suck, that we're completely fake. Who were the ones that stood by you? Think about that. You think it makes you tough that you can post it for everyone to see? No, that just makes you weak. Say it to my face or keep it to yourself. (And yes, Kristen told me I need to keep it down on the bitch scale) Oh yeah! I've officially come to the conclusion that any clothes that Lauren takes from me grows feet and walks away. And I am officially never going to see my jeans, field hockey pants, and Sean John shirt. They are all off somewhere with Scott's shirt, Lauren's hat, and whatever stuff Kristen, Kristina, and Steph can't find. I honestly think it's hilarious (= Anywho, I'm not gonna let this stupid bullshit ruin my day, I'm just gonna sit here and smile. Because I'm happy, and I still have the one person who I know is gonna make me smile even if I don't want to (= So now that I'm done, I'm gonna go sit in front of the air conditioner before I melt, because it's about 9999nein99999 degrees in here. kbye!iloveyou<3






Love conquers every time when two hearts come to collide. You're the card in my valentine and the candy hearts in my mind. And true love is the rule, and you're nobody's fool. The ship's coming to the light and it was love at first sight. Baby, baby, you're the light and the flame burns in my mind's eye. When triumph bleeds into bliss, and I knew it from the first kiss. Tonight, hearts collide.
-Green Day

My Knight In Hockey Gear

There's been a whole lot going on around me. Stress with my family, friends, school, pretty much everything. It feels like everything has changed over such a short period of time. And, I'll admit it, I hate change. There is one thing that has remained the same for me though, and that would be Chris. He's my boyfriend, and has been like a rock to me, keeping me stable at my weakest. We haven't been together for very wrong, but I fell hard, and I fell fast. I won't lie, I love him. He's the reason I jump out of bed in the mornings when I have school, and the reason I smile when I'm upset. We've stayed up to the point where we're both so tired that we're making stupid faces at each other on ooVoo, and laughing like idiots. His life pretty much revolves around hockey, and I won't lie, he's pretty amazing at it. But no matter how much time he spends practicing, he always seems to be able to make time for me and him. Honestly, we were put together by fate, thanks to my friend who just so happened to have the both of us on his ooVoo list. And I couldn't imagine my life without him.



"But every time you come around I feel more love than ever. And I guess it's too much, maybe we're too young and I don't even know what's real. But I know I never wanted anything so bad. I've never wanted anyone so bad. If I let you love me. Be the one adored. Would you go all the way? And be the one I'm looking for..."
-Paramore

Where Were You When I Needed You Most?

So I was planning on doing this yesterday, but I'm much happier it's getting done today instead.
I won't lie, I have some of the best friends in the world. We've always been there for each other, or so we promised. But lately, things haven't been so great. Everyone is so tense with each other. And I mean tense. It's at the point where nobody wants to deal with each other. Two of them have even become like little cohorts. They lie to pretty much everyone. One comes up with the lies, the other goes along with it like a little lost puppy. But honestly, they're just lying to themselves. What happens when you lie so much, every word out of your mouth is completely analyzed? You find yourself living a lie, a deep hole you dug that you may never get out of. But whatever, if they think they can bullshit through life, they had better think again. It's gonna come back and bite them in the ass, I can tell you that. They both know that. It's happened before. They've watched it happen to the people around them. Honestly, I'm done trying. I was there for you, and you were never there for me. When your done with your bullshit, when you're done with the lies, when you're actually going to try to be the friend you promised you'd be, let me know. I'm done trying, it's your turn now.





"Where were you when I needed you most? Why did you leave me alone? We gave up before we gave it a chance, and I don't understand..."
-Every Avenue